


What If?

by CoconutMilk



Category: Billary fandom, Political RPF - US 20th c.
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-04 00:45:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11543898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoconutMilk/pseuds/CoconutMilk
Summary: Never been ones to look back, Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham find themselves asking, What If?





	1. Chapter 1

_Here I stand alone_   
_With this weight upon my heart_   
_And it will not go away_   
_In my head I keep on looking back_   
_Right back to the start_   
_Wondering what it was that made you change_

_-_

February 1983

 

Lights flashed as the members of the media swarmed the South Lawn entrance of the White House to get a glimpse of the Governors and their glamorous dates. Aside from the State of the Union and the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, the Governor’s ball is the annual occurrence in which members from both sides of the aisle gather in relative peace while exchanging pleasantries.

 

Governor Bill Clinton of Arkansas stepped out of his car. After winning in 1978, losing in 1980, and reelected once again in 1982, his peers dubbed him as “the comeback kid.” He was beyond thankful that he got the chance to be here again despite everything that has happened to him the past two years. He turned back to his car and held out a hand for his wife to step out.

 

Andrea Clinton, ten years his junior, is a daughter of a former Democratic congressman and had been an intern for his reelection campaign in fall of 1982. She was a former Ms. Arkansas. Sweet, kind, and always listened. She never challenged him, nor questioned his motives. She cooked, cleaned, and baked cookies. Most of all, she was especially pleasing to his mother. 

 

As soon as his date stepped out the car, the bright lights turned their attention to the young woman in a red gown that perfectly fit her currently slim body. She hooked her arm with his and they stepped inside.

 

Once they reached the interior of the people’s house, they saw that quite a few state leaders have arrived already dressed in expensive clothing from head to toe. Diamonds sparked from each corner of the room and the smell of aftershave lingered in the air, presumably from all the old men trying their hardest to look as presentable as possible for the President of the United States.

 

His date was dumbfounded. “Wow, Bill this is amazing.” He leaned his head to whisper to her.

 

“I’m glad you’re having fun.” He smiled as they headed further into the room where the ball was happening.

 

So, their night began. Andrea joined the wives of the other governors and Bill began his quest for diplomacy. Although Bill loved talking to people, he had to admit, it was exhausting. He loves diplomacy in every way possible but the ass-kissing can be a little too much. He received some teasing here and there about his “Reagan landslide loss,” his overly ambitious agenda on his first term and his “comeback kid” status. One topic nobody was brave enough to approach, however was the young woman on his arm that night. What happened to the Yankee with thick glasses? He wasn’t sure he was quite ready to talk about it anyway.

 

While he spoke to Governor Teasdale from Missouri, he heard something from behind him that caught him off guard. He stilled his movements.

 

 _‘No fucking way’_ he thought to himself.

 

Although he kept eye contact with Governor Teasdale, he no longer focused on the information being relayed to him. His senses focused solely on the joyous cackling behind him.

 

It didn’t take long for him to figure out what it was. He used to love hearing that sound. Used to live for it.

 

Evidently, he still does.

 

Teasdale nudged him. “Bill, you okay?”

 

He was snapped back to reality. “Yes.” He cleared his throat. “Will you excuse me?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Bill calculated his next move carefully. He fought with himself for a moment before he finally decided to turn around.

 

There he saw her.

 

_Hillary_

 

Bill didn’t mean to gawk but he couldn’t help himself. He remembered the last time he saw her. She wore those huge, Coke bottle glasses—which he loved—and her brown hair, always a disheveled mess. Now, her glasses were gone and her hair blonde and went straight down to her shoulders. She had light make up on and pink gloss on those plump lips.

 

He watched her interact with governors from the north east and was utterly amazed, though not surprised, with the way she carried herself. She exuded grace, dignity, and intelligence. Although he was initially attracted to her wit and intellect, he truly thought she was beautiful physically, among other things. Now, she looked absolutely stunning. Radiance practically oozed out of her.

 

And that was when their blue eyes met after such a long time. It felt to him as if nobody else was there. As if time stood still.

 

She gave him a faint smile and he wondered, would she talk to him? After everything?

 

Only one way to find out.

 

-

 

_Well I tried_   
_But I had to draw the line_   
_And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind_

  
_What if I had never let you go?_  
 _Would you be the man I used to know?_  


_-_

 

Hillary knew he would be here. Even though their marriage ended in divorce, she still appreciated hearing about him from time to time, as difficult as it was.

 

Towards the end of their marriage in mid 1982, she was offered a position at a well-known left leaning civil rights advocacy firm in New York City. At that time, she contemplated about leaving considering she has built a life in Arkansas. She couldn’t leave Vince, Webb, Jim, and Linda. They had become her best friends. She’s grown to love the people of Arkansas and their unhealthy obsession with the Razorbacks. But she knew that in order to start over, she had to leave.

 

And Bill. She still loved him. Desperately and wholeheartedly. But love isn’t enough. No matter how much.

 

Following his defeat in 1980, Bill spiraled into complete self-destruction. When they left the governor’s mansion, they had nothing on their hands. They chose to move to a small bungalow on the outskirts of Little Rock. She continued to work at Rose while he tried to find a well-meaning job that could possibly fill the void in his heart. She encouraged him to run again, to start now. Start talking to voters, start making connections.

 

He however, was too caught up in his own self-pity. After work, he drank and cried. Sometimes in reverse order. And the women. Those goddamn women. It never stopped. And she knew it never will. Nevertheless, she was determined to stay with him. Determined to put him back together.

 

But as her father used to say to her, “You can’t help people who won’t help themselves.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me.

_Many roads to take_  
_Some to joy_  
_Some to heart-ache_  
_Anyone can lose their way_

 

-

 

Late August 1981

 

_Bill came home at nearly midnight. He had been drinking, obviously. She wondered which bimbo he had fucked this time around. It was no longer about if he did it, rather with who and when._

 

_Like any other night, Hillary waited for him to come home._

_As he entered through the front door, he found his wife sitting on the sofa, reading._

_“Why are you up?” he asked. She looked up._

_“I had to make sure you came home safe.” And she meant it. “Where have you been?”_

_He tried to brush her off. “Out.”_

_Hillary closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Bill, I think deserve more than ‘out.’.”_

_“Fine. I went to work. Watched the hours go by—”_

_“Bill that’s not—”_

_“Then, I remembered how fucked up my life is—”_

_“Bill, please—”_

_He exploded. “Let me finish goddamn it!”_

_She fell silent. Hillary could feel the tears build up in her throat. She was so, so tired. But she knew she had to keep it together. She had to be strong for him. For both of them._

_“Then I went to the bar. Had a drink. And another one. And another one.”_

_She stared at him intently._

_“And that’s it.” He started to head to their bedroom._

_She nodded. “Who was it this time?”_

_He looked back at her._

_“You know what I mean, Bill.”_

_“No. Actually I don’t know what you are talking about.” He replied._

_“Bullshit. Just tell me so at least I know you’re still being honest with me.”_

_He fully turned back around to face her. Fire in his eyes. “Fine. You want honesty from me Hillary?”_

_She wasn’t sure she was ready for this; she braced herself._

_“You push me too fucking hard! Every single goddamn day of my goddamn life. I can’t be who you want me to be!” he screamed. “I feel like I’m being strangled!”_

_Tears built up on the corners of her eyes. This was the alcohol talking, she thought to herself. “I only do that because I know what you can do. I know how good you are and I know—”_

 

_“Only I know what’s best for me, Hillary. Not you, not mother, not Roger. Me!”_

_“Please. Stop yelling.” Hillary swallowed hard, trying to compose herself. “I don’t want you to regret anything.”_

_His temper skyrocketed. “The only regrets I’m having right now, is this.” The look on her face gave him the satisfaction he needed._

_But it didn’t feel good as he thought it would._

_“What?” She stared at him. “What are you regretting, Bill?”_

_He ran his hands in his hair then through his face. “Why do you make things so fucking hard, Hillary?!?”_

_“How do I make things hard for you?” She furiously wiped her nose. “I’m trying to keep our family together. Is that too much to ask?”_

_“Family?” he scoffed. “What family?” he sat down and buried his face in his hands._

_She looked down and once again, she was reminded of her own failures. His words sent daggers straight to her heart. This was it. This was the reason he kept doing this. Because of her. Because she couldn’t conceive. It’s been nearly six years and they still don’t have a family. They’ve tried everything. Classes, fertility specialists, even an eastern medicine approach. Nothing._

_When Bill heard the soft sobbing, he knew he’d crossed a line. He knew he’d hurt her again. His heart broke for her. How he wished he could take back what he just said. He lifted his head up._

_He headed towards her. “Hillary, I didn’t mean to…”_

_“Don’t.” She stood up. He held out his hand. “Don’t fucking touch me.”_

_His blue eyes were pleading. “I’m sorry.” He choked. “I didn’t mean to—”_

_“You never mean what you say.” She picked up her blanket. “I’m sleeping in the attic. I’ll see you tomorrow.”_

_Before he could say anything, she had ascended the stairs._

_Morning would come, and he would apologize with his empty words along with his empty promises. They’d lie down, spent and sated as their bare bodies are cooled by the warm summer winds. Happy days are here again._

_But then she’d tell him to run, to talk to voters, to get up and get started. He’d push her away again. He’d drink. Cry. Fuck another bimbo. Again. They’d fight late at night. He would apologize in the morning. Promises, promises, maybe threats, and even more promises. They’d fuck. She’d be content with the temporary calm in her home. Then after a few days, they’d be back at it again. The same old dance they’d been dancing since leaving the mansion. They fight and then they fuck. They scream at each other then hours later, they’d be screaming the other’s names, breathlessly._

_She knew they were stuck in a vicious cycle that neither had anticipated. She just knew she loved him and despite of everything, she knew he loved her. Hillary often found her heart wrestling with her rational mind. For months, she had been fooling herself, that much she knew. It came to a point when she would stop staying up to wait for him because she knew how it would end anyway. She no longer felt like home, instead, she felt suffocated in her own home when she was around him. When she moved to Arkansas, it was her heart that dictated her actions. This time, she let her mind take over. Hillary made a decision and not an easy one._

_Which is why it shook her husband to his core the day she told him she was moving out, early winter of ’82. It had been one of those nights again and she was determined to make it the last._

_“No. Absolutely not.” He retorted._

_She was facing the window watching the snow fall on the ground, her back against him. She tried her best to not show her emotions. “Why can’t you just let me go?”_

_Bill was pacing in the living room. His temper was getting the best of him. He looked at her packed suitcases and walked towards it. He grabbed both bags and started for their bedroom._

_She turned around. “What do you think you’re doing?” He didn’t listen and just kept walking. She followed him._

_When they got to the bedroom, he unzipped her bags and started frantically putting her clothes back to the dresser._

_“Bill, what the fuck?”_

_Again, he ignored her and continued putting her things back._

_“Bill.”_

_She wasn’t getting anywhere with him so she stood in front of the dresser to try and grab her stuff from his hands. He wouldn’t let them go._

_“Bill, please.”_

_“Please what Hillary?” He threw her stuff on their bed. “Please let you continue this nonsense? Yeah, no I don’t think so.”_

_Hillary closed her eyes. “Why are you doing this?”_

_Daggers flew out of his eyes. He grabbed her forearms. “Why am I doing this?” he scoffed. “I’m putting your things back because this is your home, Hillary. You belong here. With me.”_

_A lone tear fell down her cheek.“It doesn’t feel like home.” She whispered. He let go of her._

_Her confession shattered his heart into a million pieces. Has she been this unhappy? Has he been this much of a failure? Has he focused too much on himself to even see she was suffering?_

_“What are you saying?” tears evident in his voice. He feared that she would say that word he had been dreading since the day they married, six years ago._

_“I need time.” She said softly. “To think.”_

_They both looked down, silence fell between them until Bill’s knees gave in and he sat on the edge of the bed, face buried in his hands. She hadn’t said the word, but he knew they were headed there. He wept uncontrollably._

_Hillary too was crying. She loved this man more than anything in the world but if they continued this path. This same dangerous path, they’d both be miserable in the end. They’d both destroy themselves in a heartbeat._

_She walked over to him and knelt in front of him. Hillary looked at him. Really looked at him for the first time in a while. She noticed that some of his roots had begun to turn grey even though they were only in their mid 30’s. The way his chest heaved as he wept made her heart flinch a bit. His long, elegant fingers that buried his face had started to show signs of aging. She grabbed both his hands and cupped her face with it._

_“Look at me.” She commanded._

_He continued to weep, looking down._

_She pleaded. “Billy. Look at me please.”_

_Ever so slowly, he raised his head until it leveled with hers. His dark blue eyes met her lighter ones. She wiped his tears away, trying to soothe him._

_She teared up. “I love you so very much. God knows I do.” She said, “But we need help. Desperately. So that’s why I’m doing this. I want us both to heal so we don’t keep ending up here, in this vicious cycle.”_

_His lips quivered. “How long?” he could barely get the words out._

_She sighed. “As long as it takes.”_

_On that fateful day in January of 1982, Hillary Rodham moved out of their home. Unbeknownst to either of them, she would never return._

_-_

  
_Do you think how it would have been sometimes?_  
 _Do you pray that I'd never left your side?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will say for reassurance, things will get better. Promise.


	3. Chapter 3

_If only we could turn the hands of time_ _  
If I could take you back would you still be mine?_

_-_

As soon as their blue orbs locked, she gave him a faint smile. She at least wanted to show him that she did still care about him. In spite of everything.

 

It didn’t surprise her at all when he began to saunter towards her, making his way through the sea of expensive tuxedos. His eyes, never breaking contact with hers.

 

She excused herself from the people she had been speaking to until he finally reached her. They stood there, face to face. The first time in a very long time, it seemed. She looked deep into his eyes. They were still the same kind eyes of the man she had fallen in love with more than a decade ago. Time has passed, nothing about that love has changed.

 

“Hey.” He said softly as he smiled.

 

She replied. “Hey.”

 

He leaned over and gave her a chaste kiss on her cheek. He pulled back. “You look incredible. Absolutely beautiful.”

 

Blush crept up on her cheeks. “Why thank you. You look rather charming as well.”

 

Silence enveloped the pair. Not knowing what to say next or what to do.

 

Confusion was etched all over his face. “What are you doing here, Hillary?”

 

“I’m Governor Cuomo’s deputy chief of staff.”

 

Bill’s eyebrows shot up. “Cuomo? As in, Mario Cuomo of New York?”

 

“That’s the one.”

 

He was shocked and amazed at the same time. “Wow. That’s amazing. I’m happy for you.” She smiled. “But, how did you end up there?”

 

She grabbed two glasses of champagne from a hostess walking around. “Oh goodness, Bill that is a long story.” She handed one to him. “Not sure this is the right place for that.”

 

He had an idea. “Then why don’t we go somewhere else? You know, so we could catch up too.”

 

Her mind immediately said no. This could lead them back to where they were. That cycle that caused her to leave in the first place. But her heart. Her goddamn heart is yearning for him. She missed him dearly and there is nothing more that’ll soothe her aching heart than a conversation with Bill Clinton.

 

She thought for a moment. “Okay. We can do that.”

 

-

 

As they walked in the halls where portraits of the residence’s most prominent occupants hung, their footsteps created noise in the otherwise quiet corridor. Neither of the two knew where to begin. What question to ask. It had felt like an eternity since the last time they’ve done something like this. Both their minds ran a mile a minute trying to find something to say. They both spoke up at the same time.

 

“How is New York?” “How are the Razorbacks?”

 

They giggled quietly. “Sorry. You go ahead.” Bill said, stuffing his hands in his pockets to stop himself from reaching out to her.

 

“No no. Go ahead, please.” He nodded.

 

“How did you end up with Cuomo? I thought you were going to work for a firm?”

 

She flipped her hair back. “Long story actually.”

 

So she told him. She told him about moving to New York and immediately running into a classmate from Yale who is now a political operative, desperately trying to find one more campaign manager for his gubernatorial candidate. Running into Hillary Rodham, the classmate said, was like rain on a famine. The classmate knew of her experiences in Washington D.C., in Texas for McGovern, and in Indiana for Carter. Arkansas too. 

 

Then she became the rookie campaign manager. In the beginning, she kept a low profile, letting the seniors take the lead. But as expected she did her homework, proving them all wrong once again. Time passed, she became more and more outspoken, braced with her experience and her mastery of any subject she decided to pursue. Mario Cuomo eventually put his faith and trust on this young woman that he asked her to join his team of advisors as a deputy chief of staff. She ran a smooth, grass roots campaign that she fully believed will help the people of New York for the better.

 

 _That’s my girl_. Bill thought but kept it to himself.

 

“Now it’s your turn.” They stopped in front of a portrait of John F. Kennedy. “How is Arkansas? I’ve sort of kept in touch with Webb and Vince but they’re always busy. Especially since I left, they had to take my workload. Oh, and how is Virginia?” She and Virginia never truly got along but she was curious as to how her former mother in law was doing.

 

Bill scratched his head. “Arkansas? Well it’s been the same. Mother too. Not a lot of changes really.”

 

She expected that answer. Arkansas doesn’t really change much. “That’s nice. And the mansion? Are Christine and George still there?” She said, referring to the cook and the butler, respectively.

 

“Yeah. Christine still makes the best chicken pot pie in the world.” He let out a soft laugh.

 

“That’s good to hear.”

 

They settled in an uncomfortable silence as they continued to walk down the corridor slowly. One topic neither was sure to approach was his new wife. It hasn’t even been a year since their divorce was finalized and he had remarried already.

 

-

 

_Nine weeks after she moved out, Hillary asked Bill for a divorce in the Spring of ’82. He fought her hard about it. Claiming he loved her. Promising he would change. No more drinking, no more other women, no more hurtful words. Anything. Literally anything to have her back._

_But she was adamant, determined to leave. She was starting to see her parent’s marriage in her own marriage and she was having none. He screamed and yelled and threw a tantrum in the same living room where they had fought countless times before. She had compared their being together to quicksand. If they both stayed, they’ll slowly sink until neither could no longer breathe. Slowly, but sinking nonetheless._

_He cried and begged on his knees to no avail. He continued with his promises but she knew that ever since she moved out, he had been fucking one woman after the other. Maybe he even fucked one in the bed they once shared. But she quickly shelved that thought away, eager to get back to the matter at hand._

_As the tears ran she said, “Bill.”_

_He was weeping inconsolably, unable to form anything coherent. The waves of emotions were crashing down upon him too fast and too hard for him to handle. What does he do now? How will he survive? There were only two people in his life who loved him unconditionally. His mother and Hillary. Now Hillary wants out and his mother, well she wouldn’t be there forever._

_Bill decided to get on his knees one final time. This was the moment he will lay everything out for her. And if she turns him down, he’s going to lose his mind. He was sure of it._

_And she did._

_Their divorce was finalized early that summer. Since they neither had much assets nor children, there wasn’t much for them to negotiate over. The only thing that stretched it out longer than it did was Bill refusing to sign the papers until he definitely had to. It took some serious nudging from his mother for him to finally sign the third draft of papers, the first two he ripped up out of contempt._

_And so, it was done. Their marriage was over legally._

 

-

 

The silence between the two of them was becoming too much for him to bear.

 

“Hillary…” She knew what that tone meant.

 

“Don’t. We are not doing this Bill.” She stood her ground. “Not here. Not ever.” She started to walk away. He grabbed her arm.

 

She looked at his grip. “Excuse me?”

 

He swallowed. “Just at least hear me out.”

 

“There is nothing for you to say, Bill.”

 

“You deserve an explanation.” He loosened his grip.

 

She rolled her eyes, trying to straighten her emotions down. “Do I really?”

 

He stared deep into those blue eyes of hers. “Yes.”

 

Hillary pulled away from him. “Then explain.” She crossed her arms. “Explain to me how you literally begged me to stay. How you groveled in that living room. Then I find out six months later that you’ve remarried some nobody.” Her voice cracked. The wounds still so fresh. He knew exactly what she meant.

 

Bill ran his hands through his hair. “I didn’t do that to hurt you, Hillary.” His eyes teared up. “I love you and I want you. You know that.”

 

She took notice of the word he used. _Want_. As in the present tense. Not _wanted_.

 

“That’s not what I asked you.” She pointedly said, staring at the gold band settled on his ring finger.

 

He cleared his throat. “I didn’t know what to do with myself when you left. Sure, I ran for office again and won. But I felt incredibly empty.”

 

“Yeah you won because we divorced.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

She scrunched her eyebrows. “Oh, Bill. I never fit their idea of a First Lady. The divorce was a blessing to your career.”

 

A lone tear fell down his cheek. “Don’t say that, please.”

 

Her heart melted. She despised the effect he had on her both physically and emotionally. Here they go again.

 

“I was depressed. I had nothing. And then I find out you’re moving to New York. That was the final straw.”

 

She tilted her head in confusion. “So you married her?”

 

Bill suddenly found himself speechless but entirely by choice. Nobody knew about his secret yet. He was afraid it would destroy his career. He figured when the public knew, they can decide what they think of him, in due time.

 

But now looking at the woman he loves. The woman with whom he entrusted his life. The woman who put up with him for such a long time. He was more afraid it would destroy her and that was the last thing he wanted. But then he didn’t want to lie to her either. She deserved the truth, even if it hurts.

 

Bill blew out a breath and hung his head low. “She’s pregnant.”

 

Hillary stood still, face expressionless. She felt as though she was going to be sick. Sick from disgust or sick from the heartache? She didn’t know which exactly. One thing she did know was there was no limit as to how much hurt Bill can cause her. She was sure of it now more than ever.

 

She fought the tears from rolling down her cheeks. No. She refused to let him hurt her again. Much less show him. There’s a time and place for vulnerability and this is neither the place nor the time, she thought.

 

“Say something, please.” Bill was on the verge of begging. From the look on her face, he knew she was desperately fighting to keep her composure and there was nothing more he wanted than to take her in his arms and tell her everything will be okay.

 

_But will it?_

Finally, Hillary found her words. As much as it hurt, she had to treat this pregnancy like it was any other pregnancy. A blessing to the world.

 

She cleared her throat. “We’ve been gone for a long time now, Governor. We might be missed. If you’ll excuse me.” She began to walk away.

 

He tried to stop her. “Wait..”

 

Hillary swallowed hard, trying not to sound defeated. She turned around to face him one last time. “Congratulations on the baby. I wish you and your family a lifetime of happiness.” She gave him a smile but her eyes betrayed them.

 

His throat clumped up, his hands shook and tears built up on the corners of Bill’s eyes. He felt helpless as he watched her leave because of him. Again. It seemed that there was an infinite amount of times he can push her away.

 

The saying must be true. The ones you love most are the ones who’ll hurt you the most.

 

He knows he’s done the same to her.

 

-

 

After a few minutes, Bill returned to the party. He saw Andrea walking towards him. He could never tell her what had just transpired. He can’t possible ruin another marriage. She’s all he’s left now, even if he didn’t want it.

 

“Where have you been?” She asked, clearly annoyed.

 

“Just needed some air.” He lied.

 

“Well the banquet is about to start so come on.”

 

She was irritating him, but he had no choice. “Alright, let’s go.” He took her arm and hooked it with his. As they walked towards the dining room, his wandering eyes caught the back of Hillary’s head as she headed out towards the door, coat tucked on her arm.

 

Bill wanted to go after her. He knew it’ll cause a scene, considering all eyes were on his new wife. But he desperately needed to make sure Hillary was okay or at least will be.

 

_Fuck! How did they get stuck in this mess?_

Suddenly, she turned around and gave him a faint smile. He wasn’t exactly sure what she meant, he has yet to figure that part out.

 

Then she waved at him once last time, and walked out of the White House.

 

Bill’s heart was clenching. He was hurting for the pain he’d caused her. Watching her walk away from his life once again was a devastating blow.

 

If only he could turn back time.

 

If only he could have loved her better.  

_-_

Hillary waved goodbye to him one last time and headed out the door to the lot where her car was parked. She thought about the look on his face as she smiled at him. She could tell that he was wrestling with his emotions to not go after her and it almost made her feel sorry for him.

 

Almost.

 

When she reached her vehicle, she quickly opened the door, got in, gripped the steering wheel and let herself go. It was as if a damn had burst open. The big, fat droplets of tears raced down her cheeks to her chin, then dripped to her thighs. This was the reason she decided to leave the ball early. She knew she couldn’t keep it together anymore, she had to leave. Showing one hint of emotion as a woman, showed absolute vulnerability in the work force, much more in the political world.

 

Bill’s bombshell, initially made her feel sick. But she was unsure why. Now she knew. It made her feel sick because that woman was going to give him something she never could. A child. How the hell does she compete with that? There was nothing she could offer him that would top that. Literally nothing.

 

She thought about what she said to Bill. How she wished him a lifetime of happiness with his family. Deep down, she meant it wholeheartedly. An innocent child deserves nothing more than the love of both his or her parents. But it didn’t eradicate the feelings of hurt and jealousy. She wished it would have been her, carrying his child. Then he wouldn’t have needed to look elsewhere. They wouldn’t be in this situation.

 

Hillary wiped her tears away and began to straighten herself up. She turned on the engine, pulled out of the parking lot. She looked at the White House one final time before heading back to her hotel room, leaving the house they once aimed for and the man she longed for.

 -

_If I'd stayed_   
_If you'd tried_   
_If we could only turn back time_   
_But I guess we'll never know_

**Author's Note:**

> I intended for this to be on Songs of Ourselves but it went on a lot longer than I anticipated.


End file.
